The Panican Ledger

A Naturalist’s Guide to the Cable News Aviary

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Within the mist-choked slopes of Bullshit Mountain lies a chirping menagerie of cable-bred creatures, each honking their ideological cry into the public square like a Dickensian town crier with a grudge. The following is a modest abridgment from the Ledger Ornithologica Absurdum, annotated for the curious, the contemptuous, and the zoologically inclined.

• The Wattersprite – Dipshitticus nepotentia. A red-crested smirkbird of startling ignorance and inherited volume.
• The Crimson-Crested Crier – Vintacis pirroscreechii. Emits patriotic shrieks from atop the Wine Rack of Justice.*
• The Snark-Billed Grinloon – Gutfeldis maxsmugga. A ground bird that mistakes sarcasm for wit and policy for punchlines.
• The Blush-Throated Yesbird – Perinosa deferentia. Rarely heard, yet always nodding from the panel's edge.
• The Velvet-Tongued Tarlov – Tarlovia defensiva. The lone liberal bird permitted within the echo chamber, forever outnumbered but impeccably composed.
• The Red-Crested Ragecock – Hannitorius bombastica. Roosts atop golden microphones; incapable of silence or shame.
• The Pale-Throated Rictus Jay – Ingrahamia spitefulensis. Flutters into primetime to peck at empathy with lacquered talons.
• The Spectacled Yesterbird – Humidorum punditorum. Hoots mournfully of Reagan and the days when facts wore suits.
• The Soot-Breasted Bothsider – Baierus equivocata. Builds its nest equidistant from wrong and worse.
• The Great Horned Doocy – Bullshitticus nepotencia. Half-pundit, half-labrador; wholly confused. Echoes questions into the abyss until they sound like answers.
• The Crimson-Cowled Clarion – Faulkneria patriotica. Stands regally in red, speaking solemn nonsense with the conviction of a marble bust.
• Couch-Dwelling Triplets: A Note on the Fox & Friends Nest – A trio of pastel-feathered panelbirds who warble daily from a shared perch soaked in grievance and egg fumes.

Further illustrations and full-field notes to be released as funding and liver function allow. Taxonomy subject to change pending future screeches.

*The Crimson Crested Crier has flown from its perch on Bullshit Mountain to Washington, D.C. - what species will replace her is unknown. Stay tuned!