The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Crimson-Crested Crier
Common Names: Box-of-Wine, The Honking Magistrate, Honora Drunkata
Field Description:
A medium-sized terrestrial screecher with an explosive vocal
sac and permanently dilated pupils, V. pirroscreechii is most active
during afternoons on “The Five”. Its feathers are dark and lacquered,
often ruffled by outrage. The species is noted for nesting in television
studios lined with legal diplomas and shattered wine glasses.
Anatomical Features:
- Eyes:
Enormous, bloodshot, and unable to blink during monologue mode.
- Beak:
Short, curved, and used exclusively for shouting at mythical enemies.
- Crest:
Wine-dark, often styled in televised defiance of gravity or taste.
- Plumage:
Deep burgundy with subtle undertones of leatherette and Old World
grievance.
Behavioral Traits:
- Screech
Monologue: Delivers spontaneous orations in ascending volume, often
beginning with, “Let me tell you something…”
- Wing-Flapping
of Injustice: Performs erratic arm gestures when startled by facts or
Democratic process.
- Vintner’s
Stagger: Walks in zigzags when leaving courtly functions or Hannity
tapings.
Courtship & Display:
In peak mating season (mid-election cycles), the Box-of-Wine emits its most piercing mating cry:
“THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE SICK OF THIS!”
followed by a fluttering of cue cards and a demand for "LAW AND
ORDER" despite its own chaotic nesting habits.
She courts attention by raising her volume past
OSHA-compliant levels and insisting her voice “represents the common
citizen”—though no common citizen has ever had that many rhinestones on their
gavel.
Diet:
- A
strict consumption of:
- Outrage
- Merlot
- Fox
Nation Sponsorship Packages
- Crackers,
when the crew forgets the charcuterie
Predators & Defenses:
- Predators:
- Subpoenas
- Playback
of her own monologues
- Sober
reflection
- Defense
Mechanism:
- Spirals
into a cyclonic “J’Accuse!” posture, where she spins 360 degrees on her
barstool, invoking the Founders, the Bible, and the Constitution—all at
once, and all incorrectly.
No comments:
Post a Comment