The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Crimson-Cowled Clarion
Common Names: Harris Hawk-Take, The Liberty Warbler, Faulkbird of Prey
Field Description:
A sleek, elegant avian known for its proud silhouette and
piercing calls of defiant decorum, F. patriotica is most often
spotted broadcasting from the Flagpole Thickets, where American
iconography grows like kudzu and nuance is unwelcome underbrush.
With its plumage gleaming red, white, and occasionally blue,
this bird is admired by the uncritical and feared by nuance. Its feathers emit
a faint metallic scent, believed to come from prolonged exposure to bronze
eagle statuettes and stage lighting.
Anatomical Features:
- Eyes:
Razor-sharp and unblinking, capable of staring down dissenting co-hosts
with calibrated frost.
- Crest:
A towering jet-black crown of lacquered resolve, impervious to wind,
fact-checks, or awkward panel transitions.
- Beak:
Tapered and swift; used to punctuate questions that sound like statements.
- Talons:
Delicate yet firmly planted on both sides of the aisle—until the ratings
suggest otherwise.
Behavior:
- The
Faulkner Flare: A dramatic puffing of the chest while invoking “the
American people” or “the real story here.”
- Disputation
Plumage Display: Wings extend during segments where others are
shouting; she remains perfectly still, occasionally tilting her head in
performative balance.
- Rhetorical
Flight Loop: Circles the same issue repeatedly, always landing where
she started: somewhere just right of neutral.
Calls:
- “Let’s talk about what’s really going on.”
- “Now I’m not saying it, I’m just asking.”
- “But don’t you think the Left has gone too far?”
All vocalizations accompanied by a downward turn of the beak
and a masterful eyebrow arc known as the Faulknerian Flinch.
Defensive Strategies:
- Reflects
criticism using a shield of American Exceptionalism.
- Cloaks
in Dignified Neutrality Feathers™ during legal commentary, even
while perched atop partisan nests.
Conservation Status:
🟤 Abundant within
daytime Murdochian preserves.
Migratory between Panels, Punditry, and Patriotic Telethons.
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