The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Red-Crested Ragecock
Common Names: The Hannibird, Murdoch’s Rooster, The Belligerent Clucker
Field Description:
Hannitorius bombastica is a loud, territorial,
monocular bird that spends its evenings crowing apocalyptic declarations across
the valleys of Middle America. Its feathers are bristled with grievance; its
throat sac is overdeveloped from decades of shouting into cameras and mirrors.
Despite its inability to fly or pivot, it remains a dominant
creature in the cable aviary—fueled not by reason, but by the unrelenting
combustion of its own certainty.
Distinguishing Features:
- Crest:
A brilliantly dyed shock of crimson arrogance that flares violently when
tax brackets, immigrants, or Black voters are mentioned.
- Eyes:
One laser-focused on Clinton's emails; the other pecks at Hunter Biden's
laptop, eternally.
- Beak:
Hardened from decades of pecking at strawmen. Can emit 600 words per
minute with no pause for breath.
- Plumage:
Swollen, heat-sensitive, and glistening from years of proximity to
rage-fueled studio lighting.
Behavior:
- Crowing
Ritual: Begins every evening at 9pm sharp with a deafening call—“Let
me be clear.”
- Dominance
Dance: Circles guests until they submit or dissolve. If cornered by
facts, he puffs up, changes topic, and declares victory.
- Narrative
Nesting: Constructs elaborate nests from shredded memos, Fox graphics,
and handwritten notes from Donald Trump.
Diet:
- A
strict regimen of projection, selective statistics, and emotional meat
by-products.
- Will
not eat nuance or irony. Those cause indigestion.
Vocalizations:
- “I’m not a journalist, I’m a talk show host!”
- (five years later)
- “This is the real news the media won’t tell you!”
These are uttered in perfect contradiction, often in the
same segment, with no awareness or shame.
Known Companions:
- The
Coulterngeist (for mating shrieks)
- The
Trumpeting Egret (shares nest material)
- The
Ingraham Rictus Jay (nested briefly—stormy courtship)
Predators:
- Therapists
with questions
- Old
footage from 2016
- Basic
consistency
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