The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Pale-Throated Rictus Jay
Common Names: The White-Crested Malicebird, Freedom Harpy, Night Shrike of Suburbia
Field Description:
A lean, frost-pelted bird of prey, I. spitefulensis
is distinguished by its shrill mating calls and instinctive revulsion toward
compassion. Though once believed to be nocturnal, the Rictus Jay is now known
to operate across time zones via syndicated venom. It is largely solitary,
nesting alone in studios constructed of grievance, glass, and indoor tanning
mist.
Anatomical Notes:
- Crest:
Bleached and defiant, flares upward during segments on immigration, LGBTQ+
visibility, or any mention of The Squad.
- Eyes:
Piercing, alert, and permanently narrowed in judgment.
- Beak:
Viciously curved, used to tear social programs into thin strips.
- Plumage:
White with streaks of contempt; feathers emit faint scent of hairspray and
litigation.
Behavioral Displays:
- The
Smirk-Shriek Combo: Begins with tight-lipped disapproval, escalates
into apocalyptic yowling.
- Tailfeather
Twitch: A rare tell, visible only when slightly outflanked on air by
other predators (notably, the Coulterngeist).
- False-Nesting:
Frequently appears in patriotic nests while actively discarding
foundational principles.
Calls:
- “They hate America.”
- “This is what the Left wants.”
- “Back in my day…”
Predators & Defenses:
- Natural
Predators:
- Basic
Empathy
- Historical
Context
- The
Ghost of Her Own College Radio Tapes
- Defensive
Display:
- Emits
legal threats and sanctimony.
- Spreads
wings into the Red White & Bruise Formation™, which deflects
criticism through sheer saturation of patriotism.
Mating Ritual:
Little observed. Likely occurs off-air in mutual loathing
with other carrion-feeding pundits. Courtship song may consist of references to
“elites,” “real Americans,” and ancient personal feuds with Joy Behar.
No comments:
Post a Comment