The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Spectacled Yesterbird
Common Names: The Grumblewarbler, The Plausible Deniabilibill, Grandpa Foxus
Field Description:
A large, slouched bird with greying plumage and the distinct
aroma of Scotch and qualified regret, Humidorum punditorum is a twilight
species, most active during early retirement and slow news nights. Known for
its Venerable Squint and Irony-Free Cloak, it often appears
perched silently behind a desk, blinking only when its own party careens off a
cliff.
Though once seen as a Truth Owl, its evolutionary
regression into a Grumblewarbler has been hastened by the intoxicating
nectar of selective memory and social media echo-calls.
Anatomical Features:
- Eyes:
Small, heavily lidded, obscured by bifocal pinions—ideal for looking
backward with regret or forward with mild disdain.
- Beak:
Stooped and pensive, capable of whistling “Reagan” in 17 different tones.
- Wings:
Heavier now, seldom used—except to gesture weakly at decorum.
- Plumage:
Ash-colored, weathered, and thoroughly fact-checked by time.
Behavioral Traits:
- Sotto
Tweet-Screech: Occurs nightly after 9PM, often referencing “the old
days” when news anchors wore ties and facts had dignity.
- The
Hume Hover: Frequently floats in the Background of Gravitas,
offering solemn nods while letting younger creatures maul reality.
- Elder
Peck: A slow-motion correction deployed only when a fellow bird
utterly combusts on air, typically followed by, “That’s not how we used
to do it.”
Call Variants:
“The media used to be better.”
“Let’s have some perspective.”
“We don’t know that.”
(followed by a retweet of something that absolutely doesn’t know that.)
Predators:
- Internet
Archives
- His
Own Statements from 2004
- Current
Reality
Ecological Role:
Primarily symbolic—serves as a reminder that even once-proud
birds can molt into commentary chaperones. Functions as a credibility decoy for
fledgling grifters.
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