The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Soot-Breasted Bothsider
Common Names: The Tie-Knot Thrush, News Neutralis, Sir Softpedal
Field Description:
Baierus equivocata is a stocky, evenly-plumed ground
bird most commonly found straddling fence posts and editorial lines. Known for
its cautious gait and inability to take flight when truth is inconvenient, it
often nests in leather-bound folders filled with euphemisms.
Though once mistaken for a species of truth owl, it has
since been recategorized under Narratividae Suppressivum, after years of
studied avoidance of calling a coup attempt a coup.
Distinctive Features:
- Plumage:
A camouflage of navy and gray; feathers naturally lie flat to avoid
ruffling.
- Eyes:
Dart from teleprompter to approval rating without registering dissonance.
- Mouth:
Broad, slow-moving, and prone to repetition.
- Tailfeathers:
Fan slightly during moments of moral panic, but promptly return to
"just asking questions" formation.
Behavior:
- The
“Fair Fright” Flutter: Occurs when faced with unequivocal
facts—releases a cloud of bothsiderism dust and retreats into contextual
ambiguity.
- Blame
Dispersal Song: A repetitive coo that concludes all crises with “both
parties need to do better.”
- Oath
of the Centered Nest: Builds its home equidistant from extremity and
responsibility, regardless of where the actual danger lies.
Habitat:
- Found
perched on the Anchor Branch, which hangs precariously over the Ravine
of Republican Regret (see: The Trumpian Backtrack)
- Frequently
roosts in segments titled “Special Report”, which is neither
Recent Observed Behavior:
This brief burst of lucidity was followed by three weeks of
restorative neutrality grooming in the Studio of Strategic Silence.
Vocalizations:
- “It’s a complicated situation.”
- “Some people say—others disagree.”
- “We’ll let our viewers decide.”
Predators:
- Live
Microphones during off-the-record banter
- Trump's
Truth Social flocks
- The
ghost of Walter Cronkite (still pecks occasionally)
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