The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Great Horned Doocy
Species: Inquisita reductivus; subspecies: Bullshitticus nepotencia
Common Name: Stupid Son of a Bitch
Habitat: The Southern Slope of Bullshit Mountain, Press Pool Ravine
Description:
A tall, flaxen-plumed beast of middling intellect but relentless persistence, the Great Horned Doocy is the juvenile form of the more sedentary Breakfast Couch Oracle (see: Steve Doocy, Genus Friendly Propagandicus). Its coat is smooth, its eyes large and suggestive of concern, and its signature horn tufts are entirely decorative – pricked up when posing rhetorical inquiries in a frequency audible only to producers at Fox News.
Field Observation:
Usually sighted at daily briefings, the Great Horned Doocy
occupies a favored perch within the Press Pool Ravine, below the jagged
ridge known as Accountability Bluff. On Bullshit Mountain, the Great
Horned Doocy roams freely, immune to consequence and largely indifferent to
context.
Notable Behaviors:
- Wields
The Question That Isn’t, a tactic involving declarative accusations
disguised as inquiry.
- Possesses
Selective Hearing Plumage, which fluffs up when answers contradict
its intended chyron.
- Upon
receiving a rebuttal, the Great Horned Doocy blinks slowly and repeats the
question with slightly altered phrasing, a ritual known as the Circle
of Inference.
- When startled by logic, it retreats to the arms of parental affirmation and segment replays on Fox & Friends.
Vocalization:
"So what you’re saying is—"
"Wouldn’t you agree that—"
"Isn’t the real issue—Hunter Biden’s laptop?"
Often punctuated by a hopeful glance toward the camera pod
nesting on the east side of the Ravine.
Predators:
- Jen
Psaki (deployed sarcasm as an anti-aircraft mechanism)
- Karine
Jean-Pierre (uses deflection magic and The Binding Spell of Repetition
Fatigue)
- President Joseph Biden, who once, in a moment of oracular clarity, dubbed the creature: “A stupid son of a bitch.”
A benediction now etched into the Great Horned Doocy’s mythos.
Ecological Role:
The Great Horned Doocy is a vital carrier species for Outrage Spores, which it transmits through questions, smirks, and raised eyebrows. These spores are inhaled by lowland Foxites and Newsmax Grumblers, sustaining the Mountain's fragile disinformation ecosystem
No comments:
Post a Comment