Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Wattersprite
Genus: Dipshitticus Nepotentia
Common Name: The Smarmander
A shallow-water trickster of the Murdochian marshes, the Wattersprite flits from man-on-the-street ambushes to primetime blatherings with the attention span of a caffeinated gnat. It subsists primarily on cherry-picked anecdotes and smirking innuendo, delivered with the self-satisfaction of a substitute gym teacher who just discovered libertarianism.
Courtship & Reproduction:
Notably divorced from its first mate under mysterious tabloid circumstances, the Wattersprite achieved biological notoriety by stalking & letting the air out tires of his subordinate—a maneuver known in mating studies as the Fox News Frolic or, in polite Latin, Internum Impropria.
Will insist, without irony, that it represents “traditional values,” even while emerging pantless from its second marital chrysalis
Displays an evolutionary adaptation to scandal: deflection by dumbness, wherein all accusations are laughed off as misunderstandings or "just locker room banter with cameras"
Powers:
- Charisma Shield (Illusory): Grants the illusion of wit to the easily dazzled.
- Reverse Oracle: Can speak with supreme confidence while knowing absolutely nothing; all prognostications are backward-facing and facts optional.
- Mirrormancy: Sees in others only the reflections of himself—thus concludes all problems are media-created and self-solved.
- Grievance Echo: Once offended, the Wattersprite emits a feedback loop of petty vengeance audible only to angry uncles.
Avoids:
- Well informed people
- Educated women
- Unscripted situations
- The truth
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