The Panican Ledger

The Birds of Bullshit Mountain

Of the Couch-Dwelling Triplets: A Note on the Fox & Friends Nest

The Fox & Friends Couch is no mere furnishing—it is a soft-power aviary, a florally-upholstered ecosystem wherein three brightly-feathered denizens chirp and harmonize in a state of televised codependence from the hours of six to nine ante meridiem.

Species Composition:

1. The Paternal Breakfast Oracle (Friendlyus obsequiosa)
Known in the vernacular as Steve Doocy, this elder male emits a calming warble that flattens controversy into breakfast-friendly platitudes. Feeds primarily on talking points soaked in maple glaze, and responds to all stimuli with a reflexive “interesting point.”

2. The Combative Sparklejay (Kilmeadius belligerentia)
Identified by its puffed chest and erratic flight pattern, Brian Kilmeade interrupts at irregular intervals, pecking at nuance and chasing shiny objects like crime stats, foreign accents, or statues. Exhibits near-total immunity to correction, reason, and irony.

3. The Blondefluff Whimsywren (Earhartia smilefluctus)
Known in the field as Ainsley, this female of the species weaves “faith-based utterances” with unverified anecdotes in a honeyed tone. At times appears sedated by glitter or dangerously close to awareness, only to self-correct with a soothing chuckle.

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🛋 Habitat & Rituals:

The couch itself—a curved pastel throne of polyester and denial—serves as both roost and altar. Rituals begin with a ceremonial reading of The Scrolling Prophecy (also known as The Chyron), followed by the Circle of Outrage, in which each host takes turns expressing astonishment at current events they themselves predicted.

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☕️ Diet:

• Patriotic grievance
• Eggs
• Segment producer scripts
• Sometimes a sitting governor

These birds do not migrate, preferring the comfort of climate-controlled studio light. Their mating call—“We’re just asking questions”—has been known to summon elder Trumpian entities from Mar-a-Lago, often appearing briefly via remote connection before vanishing into a puff of self-promotion.