The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Velvet-Tongued Tarlov Finch
Common Names: Liberal Tokenbird, Blue Jay of the Panel, The Polite Punching Bag
Field Description:
Tarlovia defensiva is a rare, fast-speaking bird of measured opposition. She lives, curiously, within
the roost of right-wing shriekers, where she pecks softly at absurdity while
surrounded by louder, brasher species. Her call is articulate, nasal, and often
drowned out by the sound of other birds claiming to be "just saying what
people are thinking."
She does not screech, nor soar—she endures.
Anatomical Traits:
- Plumage:
Blue with the faintest streaks of ivory—symbolic of her attempt to blend
in while maintaining her ideological distinctiveness.
- Eyes:
Alert, darting slightly to the left, as though always bracing for the next
interruption.
- Beak:
Precise and deft, used to deliver compact segments of reason before being
cut off by the Wattersprite or Snark-Billed Grinloon.
- Wings:
Strong but folded—rarely allowed to unfurl fully on-air.
Behavior:
- Counterpoint
Coo: Delivers softly critical rebuttals to cable screeches, often
introduced with “That’s just not true.”
- Panel
Perch Reflex: Tends to tilt her head defensively while flanked by
birds twice as loud and half as informed.
- Survival
Chirp: Periodic reminders that she’s “the only Democrat at this
table,” used to excuse the presence of rational thought.
Diet:
- Sips
from think-tank documents, polling data, and Democratic messaging memos.
- Frequently interrupted mid-meal by hosts shouting about fentanyl or Marxism in math class.
Ecological Role:
The Tarlov Finch serves as panel ballast, a visual
and auditory symbol that the program is “fair and balanced”—even as her words
are drowned in a flood of commercial breaks and yelling.
She is a foil, a figurehead of dissent, a
token that occasionally bites back.
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