The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Blush-Throated Yesbird
Common Names: Dana-dove, The Coifed Co-Signer, Beltway Canary
Field Description:
The Blush-Throated Yesbird is a delicate,
well-groomed avian known for its remarkable ability to emit reassurance
while saying absolutely nothing at all. Rare among its kind, it flourished
under the shadow of the Shrub King (George W. Bush), and has since taken to
nesting on the cushioned panel of The Five, where it flits from segment
to segment with an air of mournful grace and institutional enablement.
Physical Traits:
- Plumage:
Pale, soft, and never ruffled—each feather pre-approved by a publicist.
- Eyes:
Perpetually widened, as if in polite disbelief that anything too
mean might happen.
- Beak:
Tiny, retractable, and often concealed behind a Mona Lisa smile or a sigh
of bipartisan yearning.
- Feet:
Slippery—expert at stepping neatly around controversy and responsibility
alike.
Behavior:
- Reassurance
Flutter: A rapid blinking and nodding pattern used to soothe anxious
host-mates during Gutfeld outbursts.
- The
Perino Pause™: A highly evolved tactic of saying “I don’t know, I just
think...” followed by an anecdote about a dog, a book, or a rural coffee
shop in Idaho.
- Soft
Dissent Pecking: Rare, gentle corrections delivered at a volume that
causes them to vanish before reaching the viewer’s ears.
Mating Display:
- Displays
elegance and civility while surrounded by howling rage-birds and
screeching grievance gulls.
- When
flustered, invokes Missouri Charm—a reflexive appeal to heartland
sensibilities and pet-owner wisdom.
- Known
to deflect attention with her companion species: the Jasper Hound,
a decoy mammal bred for audience distraction and social media reposts.
Predators:
- Direct
Questions
- Unapproved
Facts from the Iraq War Era
- Women
Who Didn’t Work for Karl Rove
Ecological Role:
Acts as a Stabilizer Bird in chaotic broadcast
environments. Feeds primarily on Narrative Normalization Seeds, and is
known to regurgitate comforting bromides like “People just want to feel
heard,” or “It’s complicated.”
No comments:
Post a Comment