The Birds of Bullshit Mountain
The Snark-Billed Grinloon
Common Names: The Gregling, Ha-Harpy, Clapterbeak
Field Notes:
The Snark-Billed Grinloon is a nocturnal pestbird native to the Foxian Flats, where it roosts upon a crumpled script and makes low, continuous chuckle-squawks mistaken by nearby hosts for commentary. Though flightless, it puffs its chest in displays of dominance, usually after deploying a zinger that plays best in conservative frat basements or libertarian wine caves.
Visual Description:
- Head:
Too large for its frame, adorned with premature smugness and lightly
greased follicles.
- Eyes:
Squinted with self-satisfaction, like a possum who thinks it just won an
argument by invoking Saul Alinsky.
- Beak:
Crooked, never quite closed, always teetering on the edge of a laugh that
only it finds amusing.
- Wings:
Vestigial, used only for gesticulating while quoting his own monologue.
Behavior:
- Mimicry:
Specializes in Reverse Wit, wherein it mocks decorum by restating
it with exaggerated sarcasm.
- Territorial Call: “I’m just saying what everyone’s afraid to say.”
Usually followed by a joke involving armpits, socialism, or Joy Behar.
- Social
Structure: The Gregling often perches among a panel of lesser-known peckers, but
assumes dominance through Volume Ascendancy and Smirk
Encroachment.
Diet:
- Devours
canceled comedians, clickbait headlines, and discontinued Tucker segments.
- Feeds
most ravenously when attention-starved or outdone by the Wattersprite
(with whom it has a one-sided rivalry and mutual grooming pact).
Courtship Display:
- Tilts
head and unleashes a barrage of one-liners meant to simulate insight.
- Fluffs
plumage and references college debate team victory from 1989.
- Offers
shallow libertarian takes on complex policy questions.
Defenses:
- Cloaks
itself in irony. Claims all attacks are proof it “hit a nerve.”
- Retreats
into a burrow labeled “comedy” if confronted with sincerity.
- Frequently
escapes responsibility by declaring, “Lighten up, it’s a joke!”
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