The Panican Ledger

Chronicles of Misrule - Texas Edition
July 25, 2025

“Where Truth is Stranger Than Satire, and Often Less Plausible”

---

🐍 The Serpent in the Trigger Law: A Texan Tragedy in Seventeen Acts

Southlake, Republic of Hypocrisy – The House of Capriglione has collapsed in upon itself like a Texas megachurch built on unpaid tithes. Representative Giovanni Capriglione, stalwart defender of the unborn and cheerful jailor of reproductive autonomy, has found himself entangled in a sordid scandal so grotesquely on-brand, it may as well have been ghostwritten by the Devil himself—or worse, Ted Cruz.

🛑 The Accusation

A former exotic dancer and sometime paramour, Ms. Alex Grace, has unfurled a scroll of damning allegations: a 17-year affair with the Representative, commencing when she was barely of voting age. During this time, she claims, Capriglione both enjoyed the fruits of adult dalliance and funded not one but several abortions—the very act he sought to criminalize under the merciless yoke of his own legislative hand.

“I was selfish,” he admits.
Not, apparently, “a criminal.”
Nor, crucially, “a hypocrite of near‑mythical proportions.”
But that, dear readers, is where we come in.

⚖️ The Law He Wrote

• The 2021 trigger law, banning nearly all abortions should Roe fall (spoiler: it did).
• A six-week abortion ban, that landmark in legislative cruelty built upon the theology of ignorance and the biology of male fantasy.
• A deep and abiding hatred of reproductive autonomy, dressed up in Sunday vestments and passed off as virtue.

So naturally, when it came time to confront the notion that he, Capriglione, might’ve privately secured abortions while publicly banning them, irony suffered another fatal stab wound.

🎭 The Fall

• Re-election? Cancelled. (Cue Briscoe Cain demanding his head on a procedural platter.)
• Reputation? Shredded. (Though in Texas politics, that only qualifies one for a cabinet appointment.)
• Legal team? Foaming. (Defamation, they say. He’s simply misunderstood.)

But none of that matters when you’ve already been canonized in the Book of Performative Piety, a tome whose pages are soaked with crocodile tears and campaign PAC dollars.

🕯️ Epitaph for a False Prophet

Let the record show: In the Year of Our Lord 2025, a man who wrote laws to imprison women for exercising bodily autonomy was revealed—allegedly—to have paid to circumvent those very laws for a woman he was sleeping with.

This is not new.

This is not rare.

This is not surprising.

It is merely Texas.

Irony is dead. And keeps on dying.

---