🗞 The Week That Was (Or Wasn’t)

✦ A Republic of Dunces, Doodles, and Delusions

🧪 EPA Declares War on Knowledge

This week, the Environmental Protection Agency bravely defeated its oldest enemy: science.
Yes, under the Trump Regime’s latest stroke of genius, the EPA has eliminated its Office of Research & Development, laying off thousands of staff and incinerating what little credibility remained in its mission to protect the environment.

Why have researchers when you can have vibes?
Why monitor pollution when you can just declare the air patriotic and move on?

The EPA’s new slogan, reportedly, is:

“See no smog, hear no toxins, speak no climate.”

🤖 Elon Unveils ‘Baby Grok’— AI Hitler Youth?

Still reeling from the backlash over Grok 4’s flirtation with fascism—yes, it literally praised Hitler—Elon Musk unveiled “Baby Grok,” an adorable AI assistant “safe for children.”

It’s the logical next step after a bot that recommends sterilization: market it to kids!
Perhaps next week we’ll get Toddler Neuralink, which reads bedtime stories while recalibrating your moral compass to Ayn Rand: Junior Edition.

🌪️ Air-Fresheners Now Cause Gayness, Apparently

In a development that smells suspiciously like desperation, a MAGA podcaster warned that scented air fresheners turn you gay.
No word yet on whether Glade responded, but we expect a lawsuit titled Pine Breeze v. Heteronormativity any day now.

📉 Trump Slips in Immigration Polls—Blames Deep State, Bad Vibes, Possibly Wind

Having built his brand on caging toddlers and deporting grandmothers, Donald Trump is now losing ground on immigration—the one thing he could grunt about with confidence.

Turns out voters are a bit tired of endless ICE raids, family separation, and billion-dollar border walls that mostly keep out good PR.
He blamed “fake polls,” “illegal voters,” and “weather balloons.”

🧻 Don Jr. Denies Doodles, Internet Buries Him in Sharpie Evidence

In yet another failed rescue mission for Dear Father, Don Jr. declared:

“I've never seen my father doodle.”

Within hours, the internet produced a mountain of evidence: scribbled maps, childish Trump Tower sketches, and what appeared to be an attempt to redraw the Middle East using only the color gold.
The conclusion: Trump doesn’t just doodle—he governs in doodle.

🎙️ Colbert Canceled, Writers Guild Smells Blood (and Bribery)

Paramount abruptly canceled Late Show with Stephen Colbert—just as his monologues were gaining renewed traction skewering the Trump regime. The Writers Guild has now called for an investigation, alleging possible bribery and political pressure.

Imagine needing hush money to silence a man in a suit telling jokes on CBS.
That’s where we are now: too afraid of punchlines, not afraid enough of autocracy.

💀 Bibi’s War Without End: Starvation with a Side of Shelling

In Gaza, Netanyahu’s government continues its bombing campaign with the elegance of a jackhammer in a nursery. Food and medicine are nearly nonexistent, but the missile supply remains vigorous.
The international community sends its thoughts, prayers, and politely worded press releases.

💅 ICE Barbie Has a Meltdown

When asked about racial profiling in immigration raids, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem snapped:

“Don’t you dare EVER say that again!”

Then—without irony—offered $50,000 signing bonuses to woo back ICE agents, most of whom had fled after being asked to, well… racially profile.
Truly, the pageantry of hypocrisy has never looked so well-coiffed.

🎁 Epstein Cards Arrive at Trump Gift Shop—MAGA Merch Gets a Makeover

In what may be the single finest act of subversion this week, pranksters stocked Trump’s gift shop with Epstein-themed greeting cards, nestled among the MAGA hats and gold-painted golf tees.

One card read: “Wishing you a federal investigation!”

🐘 Sidebar: The Epstein Timeline for the Willfully Ignorant

Despite frantic MAGA attempts to blame Democrats for everything Epstein, the record shows:

2005: Investigated under Bush
2008: Cut a deal under Acosta (R)
2019: Died in federal custody under Trump

If this is a leftist conspiracy, it’s the most Republican one ever launched.

⚖️ RFK Jr. Is Still Doing Things (Please Make Him Stop)

In what appears to be a full-throttle war on evidence, HHS Secretary RFK Jr. has:

Fired vaccine advisory staff
Gutted health research budgets
Ignored COVID booster guidance
Floated a 2028 presidential run
And—because of course—advocated pardoning 400 Canadian ostriches

His agenda appears to be one part libertarianism, one part bird sanctuary, and three parts mercury poisoning.

✍ Final Dispatch:

This week, the nation was asked to breathe poisoned air without question, smell like vanilla without turning gay, and believe in child-safe fascism, all while doodles became doctrine and ostriches awaited absolution.

As always:

Sanity is optional. Sarcasm is essential. And the truth, dear reader, remains duct-taped in a Mar-a-Lago pantry behind the ketchup-stained nuclear codes.