🕯️ What Fresh Hell...?
A Prognostic Pamphlet of Coming Absurdities
August 25–31, 2025
I. The Anointed Saint of Ghislaine Maxwell
Beatification, you say? The only incense Ms. Maxwell shall sniff this week comes not from holy thuribles but from the fetid air of the federal prison yard. Yet rumors persist of her “anointment,” a wicked jest that hints at our modern church of notoriety. The Department of Justice toys with her testimony, but sainthood? Nay, not even the most desperate bishop would dare.
II. Diplomacy is Hard — Or, “Why Won’t Ukraine Just Give Up?”
President Trump, bedecked in self-importance, continues his merry-go-round of diplomacy: ultimatums issued, deadlines ignored, and hot-mic revelations that betray his yearning for Putin’s personal favor. Europe wrings its hands, Ukraine bleeds, and the White House chalkboard still reads “Peace in Two Weeks.” The carnival spins on, nausea included free of charge.
Forecast: High probability of empty threats, with scattered sanctions in the afternoon.
III. Posse Commi-whatus? The March of Troops in American Streets
Law and order, declaims the President — and lo! columns of federal troops descend upon Democratic cities like a badly rehearsed opera chorus. Washington, New York, Chicago, now Baltimore: all to be pacified, though their crime rates be falling. Governors protest, critics invoke the Posse Comitatus Act, but the bayonets glint merrily in the summer sun.
Forecast: Martial pageantry with scattered constitutional crises after dusk.
IV. Additional Oddities for the Week Ahead
- Canada’s Cudgel: PM Carney claps politely at Trump’s “peace plan,” while dangling the prospect of Canadian boots on Ukrainian soil.
- Russia’s Fortress Belt: Moscow demands a thirty-mile buffer zone in Ukraine, though its own troops perish by the thousands. A belt, yes — one fashioned of corpses.
- Security Guarantees: Europe debates sending troops, intelligence, and prayers. Trump nods sagely, provided Ukraine never, ever joins NATO.
Thus concludes this week’s Almanack of Atrocities. Consult again next week — if the Republic still stands and our printing press has not been commandeered by federal marshals.
— The Panican Ledger
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