The Panican Ledger

Observe, dear reader, the flaxen-haired functionary who has mastered the rare art of governing by curtsey. Doug Burgum presides at Interior like a court chamberlain with a pocketful of smelling salts, forever prepared to revive the sovereign’s ego should it swoon. Where a steward of the public domain might once have tended wind and sun, our man tends instead to choreography—chiefly the weekly reel of required devotions, that ministry-approved pageant known within the corridors as Inside Interior, a “Dear Leader” varietal poured down the gullets of federal staff as compulsory viewing.

“The Praise Machine & The Quieted Winds.”

I. The Praise Factory

Interior employees, who surely joined to count bison and mend trails rather than clap on cue, are marched—figuratively if not yet literally—before screens to behold weekly encomia: Burgum in hard-hat, Burgum in suit, Burgum in the wild, while a dulcet narrator hymns the administration’s “fearless leadership.” A July 4th installment reportedly opened with the President dancing to “YMCA,” segued to a sizzle reel of tarmacs and construction-site hosannas, and concluded by instructing the republic in how to celebrate the holiday “the MAGA way.” :contentReference[oaicite:0]{index=0}

II. The Ministry of No: Wind & Sun

Under Burgum’s eye, the Department has elevated itself from land steward to toll-keeper, interposing “enhanced” review at the Secretary’s level for virtually every wind and solar decision—leases, rights-of-way, consultations, the lot—thus converting the renewable queue into a genteel traffic jam. :contentReference[oaicite:1]{index=1}

What the bottleneck misses, the bolt-cutters meet: project approvals clawed back, fees and incentives reversed, offshore zones rescinded, and emblematic ventures (see: Lava Ridge) ceremonially halted or harried. Even neutral chroniclers have begun enumerating the slow unmaking of the sector—offshore pauses here, rule rescissions there, a general policy of “not so fast, sunshine.” :contentReference[oaicite:2]{index=2}

III. Curriculum Vitae, Gilded

Confirmed by the Senate with bipartisan bonhomie, Burgum arrived with the mien of a tech magnate turned plains philosopher and now applies both to a great national experiment: can a Cabinet secretary convert a conservation agency into a compliment factory while “rebalancing” its energy posture toward the combustible and away from the celestial? The votes said yes; the park rangers’ eyebrows, less so. :contentReference[oaicite:3]{index=3}

Charge Sheet (Select Articles of Misrule)

Instituted a weekly, mandatory “Dear Leader”-style video ritual for Interior staff (Inside Interior). :contentReference[oaicite:4]{index=4}
Imposed Secretary-level “elevated review” on wind & solar actions, converting process into purgatory. :contentReference[oaicite:5]{index=5}
Set about rescinding renewable-friendly rules and pausing/canceling marquee projects on land and sea. :contentReference[oaicite:6]{index=6}
Ascended to the office with a lopsided mandate to favor extractive “dominance” over stewardship. :contentReference[oaicite:7]{index=7}

IV. Judgment of the Ledger

If Mike Pence was the apostle of deferential silence, Burgum is the cantor of compulsory chorus—a courtier’s courtier, granted dominion over deserts and deltas, who spends it commissioning odes to the throne while the wind is told to wait its turn and the sun to wipe its feet. A Secretary of the Interior, yes—but chiefly the Secretary of Supplication.

Doug Burgum, Secretary of Obedience

I. The Praise Factory

II. The Ministry of No: Wind & Sun

III. Curriculum Vitae, Gilded

Charge Sheet (Select Articles of Misrule)

IV. Judgment of the Ledger

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