🌽 Senator Joni Ernst (R–Iowa)
Duchess of Dismissal
Motto: “We are all going to die.”
House Style: Funeral Home Midwestern
🎒 From Bread Bags to Budget Slasher
Ernst first charmed the GOP base with tales of her hardscrabble youth: wearing bread bags for shoes and castrating pigs for fun and (possibly) metaphor. It was all humble cornfield Americana — until she arrived in Washington and immediately began cutting holes in the social safety net with the same shears once reserved for hogs.
Her steady descent into sycophancy was perhaps best illustrated by her off again/ on again public boosterism for Pete Hegseth, the Fox News lumberjack cosplayer and hygiene denier floated as a viable candidate for Secretary of Defense. That a sitting senator would so casually vote to hand the Pentagon to a man whose chief qualification was yelling at B-roll on cable news revealed less about Hegseth’s merit and more about Ernst’s absolute devotion to the Trumpist media feedback loop. It was not courage — it was cosplay, performed in the costume of seriousness.
🪦 The Town Hall of Thanatos
When asked how many would die from the House GOP’s latest fiscal monument — the Big Beautiful Bill — Ernst offered this Nietzschean lullaby:
“We are all going to die.”
The room fell silent. A few Republicans gasped (not at the cruelty, but at the candor). The rest of the nation recoiled as if slapped by a bony, corn-dusted hand.
Instead of clarifying, apologizing, or even backpedaling, Ernst doubled down from a graveyard:
“I made an incorrect assumption that everyone in the auditorium understood that, yes, we are all going to perish from this earth.”
Then, as if reading eulogies for logic itself, she added:
“I’m really, really glad that I did not have to bring up the subject of the tooth fairy as well.”
Yes, dear reader — a sitting U.S. Senator responded to outrage over death-inducing policy with sarcasm filmed from an actual cemetery. Surely the ghost of Diogenes clapped. We live in a nation governed by Dadaists with donor lists.
🪓 Policy Positions & Public Rejections
- Voted for Medicare and Social Security cuts while lamenting inflation for fixed-income Iowans
- Opposed child nutrition programs — perhaps in solidarity with her bread-bag upbringing
- Supports abortion bans and “small government,” except when it’s guarding a fetus
- Backs every military spending bill like a golden retriever chasing a missile
🎭 Performance Notes
- Aesthetic: PTA President turned Mortician
- Voice: Corn syrup over iron nails
- Style: Graveyard Glamour with a side of passive-aggression
🕯️ Representative Quote
“We are all going to die.”
— Senator Ernst, confusing policymaking with hospice intake
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