Chronicles of Misrule May 25-31, 2008
The Week That Was (or Wasn't): Taco Truck Edition (continued)
🪪 A Man Deported, A Court Defied, A Government in Contempt (and That Was Just Monday)
At center stage: the case of a Venezuelan man, deported in violation of a court order. Judge Stephanie Gallagher, already exasperated, issued a blunt directive—find him, return him, or face the consequences. The administration responded with a shrug and a press release that might as well have said, “Oops.” The man remains missing. The Justice Department’s position? Complying would be too hard.
Gallagher, clearly unimpressed, hinted at contempt. The administration, clearly unbothered, filed an appeal.
But that was merely the opening act. In courtrooms from Houston to Baltimore, federal judges this week issued rebukes and bench slaps over an avalanche of immigration misconduct:
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In Texas, a federal magistrate slammed ICE for disappearing court-mandated records related to child detainees.
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In Florida, a judge ruled that DHS had “willfully violated due process” by refusing to provide notice to asylum seekers whose hearings were changed without warning.
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In Arizona, an appellate panel asked pointedly whether the government’s “national security” claims were anything more than “Twitter drafts in legal drag.”
Each ruling paints the same picture: a government engaged in a systemic slow-roll of judicial authority, underpinned by magical thinking and press conference bravado.
Meanwhile, the revived Alien Enemies Act continues to serve as the administration’s favorite legal cudgel—dusty, dubiously constitutional, and wielded with all the subtlety of a catapult.
As one immigration attorney put it:
❝ We don’t have a rule of law problem. We have a rule of vibes problem. ❞
And so the courts press on—rendering decisions, issuing orders, watching them vanish into the White House’s procedural oubliette. What once might have been called chaos now carries a more precise name: impunity.
🧴 The Pardon Conveyor Belt: No MAGA Left Behind
This week, Trump expanded his Great Orange Jubilee with an eye toward brand consolidation and base appeasement, issuing pardons not merely to political allies, but to a startlingly diverse cast of miscreants.
Among the absolved:
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Sheriff Scott Jenkins of Virginia, who was convicted for running a “badges-for-cash” scheme—selling deputy credentials to wealthy donors in exchange for campaign funds and a chance to cosplay as law enforcement.
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Todd and Julie Chrisley, reality TV’s first couple of tax fraud, whose “Chrisley Knows Best” franchise has now been reimagined as “Chrisley Gets a Mulligan.” Their convictions for wire fraud and tax evasion? Obliterated.
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Larry Hoover, once the formidable leader of the Gangster Disciples and a convicted drug kingpin, whose sentence Trump had previously commuted and now fully erased, in a gesture one official called “a message of urban outreach” and another called “a billboard for anarchy.”
These were not carefully considered clemencies. They were rituals of retribution and rewards for relevance.
“No MAGA left behind,” proclaimed Trump loyalist Ed Martin with chilling clarity.
“Indeed,” echoed the White House in a statement composed entirely of Bible verses and merchandise links.
Analysts noted a trend: nearly every recipient had either praised the president, donated to a Trump PAC, or appeared on a reality show. Rumors swirl that next week’s batch includes a man who tattooed Trump’s face on his back and a Florida woman who bit a school librarian while shouting “1776!”
Meanwhile, career attorneys at the Justice Department’s Office of the Pardon Attorney were reportedly locked out of their own database and replaced with a new AI interface called CLEMENCYGPT. The login screen features a red button next to a PayPal link, labeled: “JUST SEND IT.”
🧮 The Big, Beautiful Budget Bill: A Matryoshka Doll of Financial Mayhem
Ah yes—the “Big, Beautiful Bill,” which, depending on which Republican you ask, either slashes spending, stimulates growth, increases the deficit, or replaces Medicaid with bootstraps and chicken broth.
The legislation, clocking in at nearly 4,000 pages and written as if by a hedge fund possessed by Ayn Rand’s ghost, purports to be a bold new vision for American governance.
Here’s what it actually does:
- Cuts Medicaid by $800 billion
- Repeals multiple consumer protections
- Creates new tax shelters for yachts and crypto farms
- Adds $4 trillion to the national debt
- With $500 billion in Medicare cuts in the offing (sequestration)
Senator Joni Ernst, summoned for comment, simply said:
“Everyone dies.”
🛰️ Elon’s Empire: A Soft-Landing in the Crater of Hubris
This week, with SpaceX launch delays, Starlink disinformation probes, and Tesla recall scandals all converging, Elon’s team launched a rehabilitation campaign of such orchestrated desperation it bordered on performance art. Paid influencers posted coordinated praise. Anonymous op-eds declared, “The Visionary Must Be Allowed to Fail Forward.”
Reminder: Galileo was right, persecuted, and silenced. Elon is wrong, amplified, and won’t shut up.
The administration, ever-loyal, continues to describe Musk as “a strategic asset.” To whom, they don’t say.
Thus concludes the TACO Truck Edition. The ledger continues next week, barring emergency tariffs on irony.
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