Chronicles of Misrule
💉 The Republic of Resculpted Chins
—Or— The Rise of the Jawline Caucus
Yes, you read that correctly. According to Politico, a growing number of men in the Beltway orbit—lobbyists, staffers, “post-fact” influencers, and aspiring cabinet grifters—are surgically sculpting their faces to match what one practitioner calls “that aggressively authoritarian profile.”
🏛️ The Aesthetic of Alpha Delusion
The Trump jawline (not actually his per se) —artificially defined in recent photos thanks to weight loss drugs, makeup, lighting, or perhaps divine intervention—has become the gold standard of post-democratic machismo. One surgeon reported “a 300% increase” in requests for “executive contours.” Another calls it the “MAGA Mandible.”
The appeal? It projects strength, dominance, and a total disinterest in nutrition labeling.
“It says, ‘I’m in charge and I don’t care about precedent or pudding,’” said one lobbyist who asked not to be named while recovering from jaw implants and an ego augmentation.
📏 The Metrics of Madness
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$15,000 to $30,000: The going rate for a jawline Trump would envy.
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4 to 6 weeks: Downtime for recovery, or to ghost your ethics committee.
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2,000cc of filler: Also known as “The Giuliani Protocol.”
Surgeons have dubbed the procedure “The Executive Redefinition,” though insiders whisper its real name: “The Chin of Compliance.”
😷 A City of Faces Unfit for Satire
The result is a Potomac Babylon of chiseled chins, bleached veneers, and vacant stares—a cosmetic caucus where no lie is too big, and no jowl too small. The aesthetic is less “Commander-in-Chief” and more Coup Curated by Estée Lauder.
One staffer confided:
“It’s not about Trump anymore. It’s about the look of power. The image of force. The theater of cruelty.”
To which we respond: If the Republic is to die, let it die with cheekbones contoured and jawlines squared.
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