🗞️ Chronicles of Misrule
Dispatch the XXI: “Pardon Me While I Run the Prison”
—Or— The Felonious Friends and Administrative Ascension Society
Let us pause, dear reader, and savor the circularity: a former federal inmate, once jailed by the system, then liberated by the president’s pen, now promoted to oversee the very cells he once occupied.
🗝️ From Cell Block to Corner Office
The appointee, whose name will undoubtedly appear in future ethics case studies under the heading “Well, Technically…”, had been convicted of a nonviolent financial crime, served time, received Trump’s mercy, and has now risen—through loyalty, not resume—to federal command.
“We believe in second chances,” said a White House aide, “especially when those second chances vote, donate, or grovel appropriately.”
Observers within the Bureau of Prisons reportedly greeted the news with a mixture of confusion, gallows humor, and strategic applications for early retirement.
🐾 Qualifications May Include, But Are Not Limited To:
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Having once occupied a prison cell
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Knowing firsthand how the commissary works
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Demonstrating “unwavering loyalty” to the president during cable news hits
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Successfully attending one or more CPAC events
Rumor has it a third Trump appointee—currently awaiting trial—is being considered to lead the Office of Government Ethics.
🔁 The Pardon's Path to Promotion
This is not the administration’s first dabble in Pardonpalooza Patronage.
This appointment is part of a broader pattern of Trump’s second term, where loyalty often trumps qualification. From Dan Bongino, a former Secret Service agent and conservative commentator, now serving as the deputy director of the FBI, to Alice Marie Johnson, once a federal inmate, now the administration's "pardon czar," the lines between past convictions and present authority continue to blur.
With each new appointment, the administration appears to embrace the mantra:
“It’s not corruption—it’s circular experience.”
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