✒ Chronicles of Misrule Dispatch ✒
“The Empire of Exceptions”
Or, Why the President Gets a $400M Jet and You Get a Pencil Ration
The Trump administration has turned its budgetary gaze toward the true scourge of American decline: children with too many school supplies. New Department of Education guidance advises public school students to limit themselves to no more than five pencils and two dolls, a rule that feels inspired by 19th-century workhouse logic and a particular disdain for whimsy.
Meanwhile, President Trump—ever the populist—has accepted a $400 million luxury 747-8 jet from Qatar’s royal family. The plane, which may serve as a new Air Force One, includes private suites, gold fixtures, and presumably, a cryo-chamber for tanning solution. The moral of the story: you are to sacrifice; he is to soar.
Big Pharma: Pretty Please With RFK Jr. On Top
In a bold play against pharmaceutical greed, Trump has issued an executive order demanding that drug companies voluntarily lower prices within 30 days. No teeth, no timeline, just the dulcet threat of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. whispering homeopathy into the ears of Pfizer executives. When this fails—and it will—it will be everyone’s fault but the man in the gold jet.
Trade War or Trade Whimper?
Trump, once heralded as the “King of Debt” and the master of tariffs, has blinked once more in his long-running shadowboxing match with China. A 90-day truce has been declared, tariffs rolled back (sort of), markets surged, and Trump declared victory—despite giving away more than he gained.
Somewhere, Adam Smith just threw his powdered wig into the Thames.
The FAA Can Wait—We’ll Fix It Never
Transportation Secretary Chris Duffy has announced sweeping plans to modernize America’s collapsing air traffic control system. But—crucially—no timeline. Asked when it might be completed, he offered this gem: “We don’t want to give a date because people will hold us to it.” It’s an innovative take on accountability: just don’t make any promises and no one can be disappointed when you fail.
And lest we forget: the skies were empty for months during COVID lockdowns—ample time to overhaul the system. But who was president then? Oh right. Him.
“Selective Humanitarianism”: Now With Afrikaners
The administration has announced a plan to resettle white South Africans in the United States, citing vague “persecution” claims and ignoring the fact that this is the same administration that cages toddlers at the border and deports sick children in wheelchairs.
Lady Liberty’s torch flickers not with hope, but with awkward racial preference.
Next Up:
“The Republic as Ruin Porn”
Or: “Baptism by Toxin: RFK Jr. and the Sacred Tributary”
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