⚕ Chronicles of Misrule Dispatch ⚕
“The Doctor Is Incompetent”
Or: RFK Jr. and the Disassembly of Public Health
The Leech Salesman Takes the Stand
On May 14th, 2025, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the President’s spiritual apothecary and Secretary of Health and Human Services, emerged from his organic kombucha fog to testify before Congress. The hearing was meant to clarify his plans for reforming the public health system; instead, it confirmed suspicions of necromancy and institutional euthanasia.
Kennedy arrived not with a plan, but with a scalpel and a copy of Goop Quarterly.
The Secretary’s restructuring blueprint proposes the elimination of over 20,000 positions across federal health agencies including the CDC, NIH, FDA, and the now near-extinct NIOSH, whose occupational safety staff have been cut by over 90%.
Entire divisions were flattened like lepers under a utopian cartwheel, all in the name of "efficiency." No continuity plans. No transition protocols. Just a belief that government works best when it ceases to work at all.
Measles Rises, Confidence Falls—And So Does Kennedy (Into the River)
As a measles outbreak sweeps across 31 states, with over 1,000 confirmed cases and multiple deaths, Kennedy’s public response was as limp as a soggy bandage:
“I’d probably vaccinate my kids. But don’t take medical advice from me.”
We shan’t. But we do beg the question: why is the nation’s immune system now under his command?
To further cement his ethos of pathogens over protocols, Kennedy recently performed a public baptism in a sewage-fed tributary of the Potomac, diving chest-deep into water the EPA classifies as "unswimmable and spiritually cursed."
He claimed it was to demonstrate the media’s exaggeration of pollution. What he demonstrated instead was a willingness to contract hepatitis for aesthetic consistency. A swim, a stunt, a metaphor: one man’s ritual purification is another nation’s regulatory drowning.
The New Alchemy: The Administration for a Healthy America
In place of the torn-out agencies, Kennedy has proposed a new central authority: The Administration for a Healthy America, stitched together from shredded mandates and vibes-based medicine.
This new edifice would “streamline operations,” which in practice means eliminating specialists, gutting research arms, and replacing them with motivational slogans printed on the side of government kombucha trucks.
Where once there was the CDC, now there will be “Clean Living Circles.” Where once the NIH coordinated cancer trials, now we may get an “Experimental Healing Cave” sponsored by a nootropic startup.
Disruption, Distraction, and the Death of Continuity
During the hearing, Senator Patty Murray recounted stories of real harm: a cancer patient denied trial entry due to staff cuts; prenatal clinics shuttered mid-appointment. Kennedy’s response? Muted platitudes about “bloat.”
Protesters interrupted. Lawmakers grimaced. And the Secretary smiled—serene, damp, and utterly convinced.
Final Thought:
RFK Jr. has not reformed public health. He has ritually disemboweled it, burned sage, and declared the smell evidence of success. He governs by tincture and tweet, by instinct and Instagram reel. And while pathogens do not care for ideology, they thrive in its ruins.
Next Up:
“The Surgeon General Doesn’t Know”
Or: The Vibes-Only Era of American Medicine
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