🗞️ Chronicles of Misrule
8 May 2025
⛪ Habemus Papam: An American Ascends to the Throne of St. Peter
A former missionary and canon lawyer fluent in Spanish and humility, Leo XIV is widely respected for his doctrinal steadiness and pastoral sensibility. His election signals neither rupture nor revolution, but a continuity suffused with quiet gravitas. Vatican observers noted the swift and unified vote—rare in recent decades—and the resonant symbolism of an American pope at a time when global Catholicism tilts ever more toward the global south.
In his first address from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Leo XIV offered a message of peace, mercy, and common purpose, invoking the spirit of his namesake, the 5th-century Pope Leo the Great, known for defending Rome with words stronger than swords.
Ledger Note: While Rome rang its bells and the world watched with reverence, one American commentator was overheard asking whether he’ll still have to pay student loans. We recommend a novena.
💸 The “Deal” with No Name (or Terms)
White House sycophants proclaimed it the “bestest, most bigly deal ever,” that “only Trump could have accomplished it,” that it “was done in record speed,” and that it “proves Trump’s tariff scheme works!” Which is true in the same way that a Monopoly game proves real estate strategy.
The UK, seemingly caught off guard by the pronouncement, responded with a polite diplomatic cough and a clarifying memo: “This was a discussion of intentions, not a concluded agreement.”
Translation: The Prime Minister nodded sympathetically while Trump free-associated aloud.
The proposal—such as it exists—touches on removing tariffs, easing trade barriers, and pretending Brexit worked. Analysts note that while the words “deal” and “historic” were used liberally, not a single bullet point has emerged. But Trump sat behind his desk, waved his hands, and used the phrase “best ever” with the confidence of a man unveiling a timeshare in Atlantis.
Ledger Translation:
Trump Deal (n.): A ceremonial gesture made in the presence of cameras, containing no measurable commitments but high levels of gestural nationalism.
The “deal,” such as it is, reportedly lowers tariffs on the existing sales of luxury automobiles—allowing Bentleys and Rolls-Royces to continue arriving unencumbered, presumably for the benefit of essential workers in Greenwich, CT.
🏙️ The Land of Sinking Returns
A new report reveals that U.S. cities are literally sinking, and not just metaphorically into debt, despair, and budget shortfalls. Due to a combination of overdevelopment, groundwater extraction, and climate change, inland urban centers like Houston, Phoenix, and parts of California are gradually subsiding.
Engineers warn of “severe infrastructure damage” while lawmakers continue debating whether gravity is a partisan issue. Already, bridges are cracking, roads are buckling, and one mayor in Arkansas declared that “God is just lowering us closer to Hell for easier access.”
Editor’s Note:
This week’s urban planning motto is: Build Back Lower.
⚠️ Closing Note: No Solid Ground
And thus concludes another day in the United States of Surreality:
- A Pope from Chicago now leads the Vatican.
- A trade deal with Britain exists mostly in PowerPoint form and presidential imagination.
- Our cities are literally sinking, a fact somehow still beneath the notice of most policymakers.
Ledger Epigram:
The heavens are stirring, the Earth is collapsing, and the podium remains occupied.
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