The Panican Ledger

🗞️ Chronicles of Misrule, 7 May 2025

A Special Dispatch from the Department of Premature Obituaries

✈️ Fly the Unfriendly Skies

The Newark Airport outage was not, as rumored, caused by a raccoon chewing on the mainframe or a stray balloon from a gender reveal party. Instead, it was "one of those things," according to a Transportation Security Administration official gnawing nervously on a complimentary pretzel. The outage, which temporarily grounded flights and faith in infrastructure, has drawn attention to the FAA, which coincidentally decided this very week to halt its own internal review into air traffic control oversight. Yes, dear reader, the arsonist has simply stopped investigating the fire.

Meanwhile, the National Transportation Safety Board has begun reviewing a rash of aborted landings at Washington National (DCA), where planes now treat runways the way politicians treat subpoenas: with a flyby.

🌊 Jetsam and Flotsam: Naval Edition

The United States Navy has managed to lose not one, but two Super Hornet fighter jets in the drink this week, a move seen by many as symbolic of broader American power projection: noisy, expensive, and somehow always sinking. Officials assure the public that both pilots are safe, though they’ve had to explain to taxpayers that the jets themselves do not, in fact, float.

Editor’s Note:

While the official record declares “mechanical failure” and “deck mishap,” it has not escaped our notice that both jets yeeted themselves into the sea within days of one another. We do not wish to speculate irresponsibly, but we must ask:

At what point does a warplane become self-aware enough to surrender?

Perhaps these Super Hornets peered too long into the heart of 21st-century American conflict and chose a briny oblivion over another deployment in service of Pete Hegseth's  floundering and strategic gibberish. If so, we salute their sacrifice—and quietly worry for the rest of the fleet.

🕌 Operation Sindoor: South Asia Smolders

India and Pakistan are once again engaged in the ancient and beloved tradition of nearly igniting a regional war. Operation Sindoor, a retaliatory strike by India, has sent tensions and missiles soaring. Pakistan claims it was an act of “aggression,” while India described it as “strategic complexion correction.” World leaders are calling for de-escalation, while defense contractors are calling for champagne.

💸 Doge v. Dept. of Government Efficiency

In an utterly shocking development, Elon Musk’s much-ballyhooed “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) has failed to produce $2 trillion in savings—but has managed to cut $135 billion in services, oversight, and human dignity. Analysts say the real efficiency is in Musk’s ability to rebrand deregulation and defunding as “moonshot innovation.” The DOGE, critics note, appears to be all bark and no fiscal bite.

⚠️ Closing Note: The Systems Are Flashing Red

Between malfunctioning airports, missing jets, mothballed investigations, and misfired austerity, the Ledger concludes today’s dispatch with a simple refrain:

If this is what governing looks like, perhaps we need fewer CEOs and more custodians—someone, at least, who’ll clean up after the mess.