🗞 The Week That Was (or Wasn’t)
A Digest of Degeneracy, a Catalog of Catastrophe
May 19–24, 2025
“What fresh hell is this?” — a bipartisan sigh
🏛️ About That Grift, er, Gift
Fresh off his return from Qatar (a visit reportedly devoid of camel sightings but rich in speculation), it has emerged that President Trump’s inner circle sought a private jet from the Qatari government for official travel. While the request was not fulfilled, the stench of transactional diplomacy now wafts from the West Wing like week-old hummus left on a radiator.
Meanwhile, Trump hosted a meme coin dinner in DC for crypto-fabulists, washed down with steak, shrimp cocktail, and light treason. Attendees included a who’s-who of digital hucksters and pseudonymous avatars, gathered to praise Trump’s new meme coin as if the economy could be run on Doge fumes and delusion.
White House aides defended the soirée with the grim determination of mid-level cultists, offering increasingly surreal justifications: It was a fundraiser, It wasn’t official, He thought Bitcoin was a type of sandwich.
🤝 White House Ambush 2: South Africa Edition
South African President Cyril Ramaphosa was ambushed in the Oval Office this week when Trump, with no prior coordination, announced a joint trade agreement that does not exist. The stunned Ramaphosa stood silent as Trump detailed fantasy tariffs and mutual cooperation, all without a translator or briefing, and with an onlooking aide frantically texting “WTF” to Pretoria.
The BBC called it "a diplomatic mugging" and noted that Ramaphosa's expression cycled through all seven stages of foreign policy grief.
💸 Tariffs for Thee, Not for Xi
America First, Consumers Last.
Trump announced this week that he’s not pursuing a trade deal with the EU—which is at least consistent with not pursuing literacy, reality, or competent governance.
Meanwhile, 25% tariffs are set to strike iPhones, meaning your next screen crack will come with a surcharge for patriotism.
And in a bizarre twist, a massive drug shipment subject to new pharmaceutical tariffs has vanished—presumably smuggled out under a pile of expired insulin and dreams.
🌩️ Stormy Weather
The skies turned vengeful this week as thunderstorms and tornadoes ripped through the Midwest & South flattening towns and twisting trees into modern art.
FEMA has yet to declare disaster zones in multiple counties, citing “review processes” and a lingering dispute over whether flooding counts as a vibes-based event.
☢️ What Could Go Wrong? Glow-in-the-Dark Edition
The NRC, now powered by prayer and plutonium.
With minimal oversight, the Trump-aligned Nuclear Regulatory Commission has quietly approved experimental reactors with weakened safety protocols, leading one expert to observe: “It’s not as if, it’s glowing.”
A spokesperson assured the public that nuclear is “clean, safe, and misunderstood”—much like Trump's legal defense strategy.
🧪 Department of Magical Thinking
Or, Hast Thou an Apothecary, Sir Kennedy?
RFK Jr. took the stage at the Midwest Agriculture & Holistic Alchemy (MAHA) Festival, where he warned of pesticides that "reprogram the soul" and urged farmers to consult gut feelings before applying science.
Elsewhere, he claimed that chemicals in water make children allergic to truth (and potentially transgender), and that swimming in contaminated rivers builds immunity to lies.
Pressed for clarification, Kennedy replied, “Do your own research.” He did not clarify if this included drinking the river water or consulting the moon.
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