📜 Chronicles of Misrule
Dispatch the XXth: "The Midnight Riders of Fiscal Fatuity"
“Or, How Congress Balances the Books With Invisible Ink”
⏳ The Hour of Misdirection
“Our constituents can’t object to what they can’t stay awake for,”
💸 The Big, Beautiful Bill: A Manifesto of Magical Thinking
At the heart of the chaos lies the absurdly named Big, Beautiful Bill, a fiscal chimera cobbled together from supply-side gospel, patriotic sloganeering, and a truckload of expired Reaganomics.
- The Tip Tax Repeal Act, ensuring servers may now be stiffed twice: once by customers, and again by future Medicare collapse.
- The Social Security Liberation Clause, eliminating taxes on benefits while quietly indexing payouts to Confederate currency.
- The Billionaire Empowerment Adjustment, allowing deductions for private yacht fuel, island security, and clairvoyant consulting fees.
The Congressional Budget Office, when asked to score the bill, reportedly lit itself on fire and leapt into the Reflecting Pool.
🕯️ Voices in the Night: The Lament of the Sleep-Deprived Caucus
Opposition voices—largely barred from daylight debate—have been forced to stage what’s now known as “Insomniac Filibustering.” Representative Jasmine Crockett was spotted muttering expletives into a half-empty coffee cup while Greg Casar attempted to project a bar graph using the flashlight app on his phone and a cocktail napkin.
Meanwhile, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, back from a week of explaining to confused colleagues what a spreadsheet is, delivered a midnight soliloquy about the ethical implications of giving yachts a child tax credit. Her remarks were met with a deafening silence, broken only by the sound of Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene snoring into her tactical throw pillow.
📡 Even the Golden Dome Blinks
The Pentagon’s astronomically expensive Golden Dome—intended to intercept incoming missiles, solar flares, and bad vibes from Canada—was reportedly unable to detect these late-night votes, as they were conducted “below the radar of fiscal reality.”
The system, designed by a joint task force of SpaceX interns and hallucinating lobbyists, failed to register “anything less than an intercontinental ballistic brainfart.”
Next Up in This Ledger: The Immigration Tariff Scheme — or, How Asylum Now Costs $1,000 and a Soul Fragment
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