🗞 Chronicles of Misrule 🗞
“Who Knows?”
Or, The President as Oblivion’s Spokesman
The Bystander-in-Chief
The President of the United States, one Donald John Trump—if that remains his legal designation and not a branding shell company—has officially entered his “I Don’t Know” era: a style of governance best likened to a teenager giving an oral report on a book he didn’t read, bluffing wildly while hoping no one remembers the actual plot.
Asked recently whether he would uphold the Constitution, Trump blinked like a man encountering long division and replied, “I don’t know.” Not “yes,” not “of course,” not even “what’s that?”—just a blank wall of ignorance polished to a glossy sheen.
"I Don’t Know Her": Cabinet Edition
Consider Casey Means, his nominee for Surgeon General—a woman who thinks mitochondria respond to vibes and that germ theory is “overhyped.” Pressed on whether he stood by her nomination, Trump replied, “I don’t know her,” and then promptly tossed RFK Jr. under the presidential bus for the selection. It’s the governing equivalent of claiming the dog submitted your résumé.
The “I Don’t Know” Doctrine
“I Don’t Know” has now transcended excuse and ascended to policy framework. He has deployed it to:
- Disavow controversial executive orders
- Distance himself from legal purges
- Claim ignorance of DOJ priorities
- React to budget decisions with the energy of someone discovering Post-it Notes
Trump Explains the Declaration of Independence
In a moment destined for archival storage alongside “revolutionary war airports,” President Trump once again revealed that his grasp of history is tenuous at best—the kind of relationship one might have with a blurry pamphlet glimpsed at a Cracker Barrel gift shop. Speaking with the confidence of a D-student faking his way through Civics class, Trump proclaimed:
“It means exactly what it says. It is a declaration. It is a declaration of unity and love, and it means a lot. It is something very special to our country.”
The actual Declaration, of course, was not a love letter but a flaming middle finger to the British Empire—a rebellion manifesto penned by radicals who accused King George III of tyranny. It was written not in unity and love but in rage and defiance, and it ended in war, not wellness.
Trump’s version sounded like a Valentine to tyranny—less “Give me liberty or give me death,” more “Live, laugh, love.” His historical memory is less Ken Burns, more gas station trivia napkin.
Unaware and Unburdened
According to multiple reports (NBC, Washington Post, The Intercept), Trump is profoundly unaware of what his administration is doing. He is a bystander to his own presidency—wandering the corridors like a hotel guest who can’t find the ice machine while aides scramble to justify his outbursts with memos titled “Executive Intent.”
Schrödinger’s President
Trump is now both president and not, depending on whether you’re assigning blame or credit. He is a constitutional defender until the Constitution becomes inconvenient. He is in charge unless reading is involved.
This is leadership as plausible deniability—government by Magic 8-Ball.
Next Up:
“The Checks Have Bounced and the Balances Have Fled”
Or: “Can the 25th Amendment Be Invoked Retroactively?”
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