The Tariffman's Toll

Chapter VII:
On Apophenia, Punditry, and the Media’s Will to Believe

Wherein Chaos Is Called Strategy, and Coincidence Is Crowned Intent

Behold the modern oracle: the television pundit, armed with graphs of uncertain origin and metaphors of dubious strength.

Before them lies a mess of economic entrails—tariffs, trade wars, and tumbling indexes—and yet, from this stew of calamity, they divine strategy.

This is not journalism. It is apophenia with a salary.

Act I: The Narrative Must Be Fed

Though the Tariffman speaks in contradiction and acts without plan, the commentariat remains dutifully devoted to discerning a doctrine.

He taxes allies to fight adversaries.

He invokes national security to punish aluminum.

He brags of “winning” while farmers go bankrupt.

And yet, somewhere, a think tank fellow declares:

“It’s a bold new realignment of trade priorities.”

The chaos is not questioned. It is curated into coherence.

Act II: The Scribes of Stockholm

There is, it seems, a peculiar affliction among pundits - call it Stockholm Syndication.

The longer one endures economic nonsense, the more compelled one feels to explain it elegantly.

Thus do we get:

• “Transactional strategy” instead of tantrum.

• “Unorthodox negotiation” instead of shouting.

• “Tariff diplomacy” instead of diplomatic disaster.

It is the policy equivalent of insisting that the drunk man crashing into furniture is “reimagining interior design.”

Act III: Noise as Doctrine

A factory opens in Ohio? Proof the trade war is working.

One closes in Michigan? Growing pains.

Prices rise? A necessary adjustment.

Prices fall? Evidence of success.

Heads, the policy wins. Tails, the coverage rationalizes.

And all the while, the electorate stares blankly at their grocery receipts, wondering when the winning starts to trickle into the cereal aisle.

This is not a critique of policy. It is a plea for honesty.

Not every utterance deserves analysis.

Not every action contains intent.

Sometimes, a bad idea is just a bad idea.

And the search for patterns in the fog only leads us deeper into the mire.

The emperor has no trade plan.