The Panican Ledger

A Panican Missive: 

"From Cancun to Athens, Thoughts & Prayers:
The Ted Cruz Weather Report"

“When the heavens open and disaster descends, look not to the clouds for guidance, but to the nearest airport lounge. There you shall find your senator, sipping a complimentary Bloody Mary, his thumb poised anxiously over the ‘book return flight’ button.”

Behold Senator Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, that unctuous stalactite of Texas politics. He who slithers where mere mortals walk, leaving a snail-trail of contrived indignation and melted snowflake bluster behind him. A man of such infinite opportunism that even his beard seems to crawl up his face in self-defense.

I. The Art of the Unlearned Lesson

When the pipes froze and the lights went out during the Great Texas Freeze, Ted Cruz boarded the first southbound chariot to Cancún, feigning paternal duty while the state shivered like a Dickens orphan in a workhouse dormitory.

Did this humbling spectacle teach the man humility? Empathy? Even a basic sense of optics? Reader, of course not. For Ted Cruz, the only lesson to be gleaned from public disgrace is to pack lighter and upgrade to priority boarding.

II. Greece is the Word (and the Weather is Fine)

Thus, while Central Texas—awash in flash floods—watched its towns and children swept away, Senator Cruz was to be found not at the helm, but ambling through the marbled ruins of Athens. 

One wonders if, beneath the shadow of the Parthenon, Ted paused to reflect on democracy or simply admired the marble as an upgrade over Texas limestone.
Eyewitnesses confirm: even as the headlines screamed of “20 girls drowned in Texas,” our vacationing statesman brushed off all entreaties, his wife reportedly hissing at the mere suggestion of shame. To be sure, there was no mad scramble to the airport this time—just leisurely continental breakfasts, tourist snaps, and an itinerary as flexible as his convictions.

Only after the dead had been tallied and Fox News had checked its guest list did the senator return, sending forth a cascade of “thoughts and prayers” tweets like confetti over a mass grave. One must admire, in a ghoulish way, the efficiency of a man who can jet across the world, miss the disaster entirely, and still make it home in time for his Monday demagoguery.

III. The Hurricane Cassandra: Texas Edition

And what, gentle reader, of those policies which might spare Texas a repeat performance? Did Cruz, shamed by his absence, return to champion early-warning systems, disaster funding, or the NOAA meteorologists who—unlike certain senators—actually show up to work in a crisis?
Do not insult the man’s brand. Having watched the Texas Legislature’s weather funding efforts wither and die, Ted set his steely gaze upon the root cause of all evil: too much science, too many warnings, and, presumably, the very idea that government might exist for anything besides tax cuts and press availabilities. 

Now, in a display of Dunning-Krugerian bravado, our Senator has turned his cross-eyed gaze to the National Weather Service and NOAA, those humble scribes who warn us of wind and tempest. To pay for the latest round of presidential largesse—the “One Big Beautiful Bill” (OBBBA), an act that makes Dickensian workhouses look downright philanthropic—Ted inserted language to slash funding for weather forecasting. Yes, nothing says “Texan resilience” like fewer tornado warnings and more surprise floods!

But as The Guardian so pithily notes, Cruz’s loyalty to Trump now trumps loyalty to Texans: “Cut the funding!” says Cruz, “let the Gulf Coast guess!” One can imagine him, standing atop a Galveston seawall as a hurricane barrels in, declaiming that Texans have too long relied on the nanny state for “data” and “basic survival.” If you drown, you do so in the name of personal responsibility.

If this were a Greek tragedy, the chorus would surely wail:

“Behold, the senator who learns nothing and forgets everything—save the Fox News booking!”

IV. The Ledger of Absurdities: Updated Entry

Thus, in the annals of Panican Misrule, let it be recorded:

Ted Cruz, having learned nothing from his last escape, now doubles down—sightseeing while Texas drowns, snarling at accountability, and hacking away at the nation’s barometer with all the subtlety of a toddler with a hammer.