🪞 Senator Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz (R–Zodiac)
State: Texas — though one suspects it’s trying to secede from him
Domicile: A greasy sheen in the shape of a man
House Style: Damp Federalist cosplay with Canadian underpinnings
🧬 Birthright Baby with Borderline Memory
Though he rails against jus soli citizenship like it’s a communist plot, Cruz himself was born in Calgary, Alberta, to a Cuban father and American mother — a classic case of “birthright for me, but not for thee.” His miraculous transformation from maple-leaf baby to Constitution-thumping Texan is a case study in selective originalism, where the Founders apparently said, “except Rafael, he’s cool.”
He renounced his Canadian citizenship in 2014 — not out of legal necessity, but presumably because his reflection stopped appearing in Tim Hortons windows.
🏖️ The Cancun Caper
As Texans froze in the historic Winter Storm Uri, Cruz did what any man of principle would do: he fled to Cancún, dragging his suitcase behind him like the last vestige of shame. Blaming his daughters for the trip, he made the peculiar choice to toss them under the bus while boarding one headed away from the suffering of his constituents.
One suspects his true emergency was a pool with no camera crews.
🧠 Walking Contradictions, Worn Loosely
-
Porn-Tweeting Patriot: Once “liked” a hardcore porn tweet from his official Senate Twitter account — a moment of unexpected honesty quickly dismissed as a "staffing error" (though not the kind anyone enjoys).
-
Defender of Nothing: Said nothing when Trump insulted his wife’s appearance, suggested his father was linked to JFK’s assassination, and pantsed him repeatedly during the 2016 primaries. Cruz’s response? Phonebanking for him in 2020.
-
Sports Jinx Incarnate: A human curse on Texas athletic franchises. Wherever he appears, defeat follows — as though God himself finds his presence unsporting.
-
Child-Evader: His daughters famously recoiled at the sight of him in a holiday video, as if they'd seen the Ghost of Career Past. Their expressions were those of hostages forced to say, “I love my dad,” through gritted molars.
Porn-Tweeting Patriot: Once “liked” a hardcore porn tweet from his official Senate Twitter account — a moment of unexpected honesty quickly dismissed as a "staffing error" (though not the kind anyone enjoys).
Sports Jinx Incarnate: A human curse on Texas athletic franchises. Wherever he appears, defeat follows — as though God himself finds his presence unsporting.
Child-Evader: His daughters famously recoiled at the sight of him in a holiday video, as if they'd seen the Ghost of Career Past. Their expressions were those of hostages forced to say, “I love my dad,” through gritted molars.
- Beaked and Bewildered: Waged a public feud with Big Bird after the beloved 8-foot canary endorsed vaccines on Sesame Street. Cruz declared it “government propaganda,” thereby cementing his legacy as the only U.S. Senator to be ratioed by a puppet. His foe? A fictional bird who teaches the alphabet. His loss? Quantifiable in retweets and national dignity.
🎤 Signature Sounds
-
Tone: Smug baritone in a wet cravat
-
Dialect: Harvard Debate Club trying to impersonate a cowboy while reading Atlas Shrugged aloud
-
Catchphrases:
-
“We’re losing our freedom!”
-
“I believe in the Constitution!”
-
“I’d like to revise my statement after gauging the base’s mood.”
-
🕯️ Representative Quote
“I’m a fighter.”
— Typically said after retreating, apologizing, or throwing someone else under the bus.
🪦 Epitaph-in-Waiting
“Here lies Ted Cruz: Zodiac Unconfirmed, Integrity Undetected, Loyalty Undeserved.”
No comments:
Post a Comment