The Tariffman's Toll
Chapter V: The Farmer, the Soybean, and the Phantom Rebate
A Rural Tragedy in Three Short TweetsIt began, as so many tragedies do, with a handshake and a headline.
“Tough talk brings China to the table!” proclaimed the town criers of cable news.
And lo! The fields of the Midwest, previously undisturbed by diplomatic bravado, suddenly found themselves tilled not by tractors—but by tariffs.
Act I: In Which the Farmer Loses a Market
Our farmer, a humble steward of soybeans, arose one fine morning to find his crop worth nigh nothing.
China, formerly a most dependable suitor for legumes, had turned heel—choosing instead to court Brazil, whose trade policies were notably less performative.
The farmer wrote to his representatives. They replied with a pamphlet titled Winning the Trade War: A Primer for Patriots, and a coupon for 10% off a MAGA hat.
He wrote again. This time he received a paper check labeled “Market Facilitation Payment,” along with a note: “This is not a bailout. It’s a freedom dividend for being tariffed without representation.”
Act II: In Which the Rebate Proves Both Phantom and Fleeting
The rebate, generous in font size but modest in substance, covered approximately one-third the cost of the diesel used to plow the failed field.
He used the funds to patch the roof, buy seed, and quietly despair.
A town hall was held. A local official explained that the “pain was short-term,” the “gain was long-term,” and the “soybeans were now symbols of national pride.”
The farmer wondered how symbols tasted when stewed.
Act III: In Which the Farmer Sells the Tractor and Takes Up Plumbing
His final crop, ungathered and unloved, was memorialized in a drone photo captioned:
“American resilience in action.”
When asked by a reporter whether he still supported the policy, the farmer paused, wiped his hands, and replied:
“Well, I do love my country. I just wish it didn’t charge me rent.”
Thus concludes the tale of the soybean and the phantom rebate: The fields remain; the buyers do not.
And somewhere in Washington, a man with a Sharpie draws arrows on an economic chart and calls it victory.
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