The Centrist Shapeshifter
Formless. Positionless. Lovingly quoted by Politico.
“He’s not like the others. Until he is. But ironically.”
— Observation scribbled in the margins of a Beltway brunch invite
The Centrist Shapeshifter is a curious entity, long thought to be an unstable fusion of Joe Manchin’s self-importance and Kyrsten Sinema’s performative independence. When that binary star collapsed, a new mass took its place:
Fetterblob.
Current Form:
A Carhartt-clad contradiction.
A creature of hoodies, quips, and carefully curated working-class cosplay.
He appears to speak plainly—but what he says is often carefully positioned to land precisely in the median between Fox News ire and MSNBC discomfort.
Like the Sinemanchin before him, the Centrist Shapeshifter:
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Votes unpredictably but always with maximum spectacle.
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Complains loudly about dysfunction while basking in the glow of media fascination.
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Frames contradiction as authenticity.
“He’s not flip-flopping—he’s complex.”
Morphology:
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In photos: schlubby.
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In committee: silent.
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In interviews: zingers, mug clinks, and “Look, I just think...”
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In actual votes: TBD, then retweeted.
He appears in memes. He spars on X. He shuns decorum—but somehow remains beloved by editors desperate for a centrist savior who can “talk to the base.”
Former Occupants of This Space:
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Joe Manchin: Powered by coal subsidies and vibes.
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Kyrsten Sinema: Last seen ascending a corporate ladder in sequins and contempt.
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