🕯 The Scandalous Superintendent

or, A Symphony in Schadenfreude

🎼 Hashtag: #IngloriousHypocrites

“And lo, the moralizing minister of Oklahoma’s schools was hoist by his own HDMI.”

Meet Ryan Walters, Oklahoma’s Superintendent of Public Edification (and Occasional Tantalization), a man who speaks in soundbites, governs by grievance, and very nearly turned the state’s classrooms into altars for the cult of Trumpian Scripture.

Yes, so desperate was Walters to jam a Bible into every classroom—not just any Bible, but the Trump Bible™, that garish amalgam of King James, Constitution, and MAGA sermonettes—that he allegedly crafted the purchasing order to exclude all but the anointed edition. The grift cloaked in piety was so nakedly transactional it got slapped down before implementation, though not before Walters managed to proclaim it as an act of “courage.”

This came atop a flaming pile of other antics:

• Banning books from classrooms while commissioning right-wing influencers to write curriculum,
• Declaring teachers’ unions “terrorist organizations,”
• Dodging open records requests like a skunk evading a baptism,
• And accusing school districts of “Marxist infiltration” if they dared utter the words “diversity” or “climate change.”

🧹 The Alleged Offense: Skin Flicks in the Sanctum

Now, in a turn that even the Book of Job might have found too ironic, while the Oklahoma State Board of Education met in solemn executive session, two members reported seeing nude images playing on a TV screen in Walters’s office. Not “artful nudes” à la the Louvre, but the sort of pixelated indecency that gets antivirus software groaning.

The source of the stream? Unknown. The explanation? Not forthcoming. The moral optics? Positively evangelical in their irony.

Walters is now under investigation. The two members of the Oklahoma State Board of Education reported the incident, saying the images displayed during an executive session left them “shocked and mad.”

🧑‍⚖️ The Pious Pile-On

Within 24 hours, the usual crowd of arsonists-turned-fire-marshals demanded an investigation:

House Speaker Kyle Hilbert: Called for full device cooperation and a third-party review.

Senate Education Chair Adam Pugh: Declared himself “deeply troubled.”

Walters: Denied it all, blamed political enemies, and referred to himself in the third person (a known symptom of hubris-induced rot).

House Democrats: Declared Walters an “embarrassment” and called for his resignation regardless of outcome.

🎭 The Dramatic Ironies Stack Thusly:

A man who banned books, now under scrutiny for streaming the wrong kind of literature.

A crusader against "porn in schools," now associated with porn in office.

A self-styled guardian of “Christian values,” caught mid-episode of “Gilded Glutes Vol. 4: Superintendent’s Cut.”

If hypocrisy were a school subject, Walters would be certified Master Teacher.

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🔮 Will Justice Be Served?

Too early to tell—but rest assured, dear reader, even if no legal breach is found, the poetic justice is already in full swing.

And remember, in Oklahoma politics, the real obscenity is what they’re doing to the children’s textbooks and lunch budgets.

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📜 Appendix: A Liturgical Inventory of Sins

• Book Banishment: Removal of award-winning literature and LGBTQ+ materials
• Curriculum Cronyism: Outsourcing content creation to political influencers
• Public Grifting: Trump Bible contracts and ideological favoritism
• Transparency Evasion: Mysteriously missing public communications
• Inappropriate Imagery: Televised scandal of unknown origin

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Filed under: Chronicles of Misrule

Engraved, illuminated, and wholly true (give or take some satire) by The Panican Ledger.

Chronicles of Misrule - Texas Edition
July 25, 2025

“Where Truth is Stranger Than Satire, and Often Less Plausible”

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🐍 The Serpent in the Trigger Law: A Texan Tragedy in Seventeen Acts

Southlake, Republic of Hypocrisy – The House of Capriglione has collapsed in upon itself like a Texas megachurch built on unpaid tithes. Representative Giovanni Capriglione, stalwart defender of the unborn and cheerful jailor of reproductive autonomy, has found himself entangled in a sordid scandal so grotesquely on-brand, it may as well have been ghostwritten by the Devil himself—or worse, Ted Cruz.

🛑 The Accusation

A former exotic dancer and sometime paramour, Ms. Alex Grace, has unfurled a scroll of damning allegations: a 17-year affair with the Representative, commencing when she was barely of voting age. During this time, she claims, Capriglione both enjoyed the fruits of adult dalliance and funded not one but several abortions—the very act he sought to criminalize under the merciless yoke of his own legislative hand.

“I was selfish,” he admits.
Not, apparently, “a criminal.”
Nor, crucially, “a hypocrite of near‑mythical proportions.”
But that, dear readers, is where we come in.

⚖️ The Law He Wrote

• The 2021 trigger law, banning nearly all abortions should Roe fall (spoiler: it did).
• A six-week abortion ban, that landmark in legislative cruelty built upon the theology of ignorance and the biology of male fantasy.
• A deep and abiding hatred of reproductive autonomy, dressed up in Sunday vestments and passed off as virtue.

So naturally, when it came time to confront the notion that he, Capriglione, might’ve privately secured abortions while publicly banning them, irony suffered another fatal stab wound.

🎭 The Fall

• Re-election? Cancelled. (Cue Briscoe Cain demanding his head on a procedural platter.)
• Reputation? Shredded. (Though in Texas politics, that only qualifies one for a cabinet appointment.)
• Legal team? Foaming. (Defamation, they say. He’s simply misunderstood.)

But none of that matters when you’ve already been canonized in the Book of Performative Piety, a tome whose pages are soaked with crocodile tears and campaign PAC dollars.

🕯️ Epitaph for a False Prophet

Let the record show: In the Year of Our Lord 2025, a man who wrote laws to imprison women for exercising bodily autonomy was revealed—allegedly—to have paid to circumvent those very laws for a woman he was sleeping with.

This is not new.

This is not rare.

This is not surprising.

It is merely Texas.

Irony is dead. And keeps on dying.

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🗞 The Week That Was (Or Wasn’t)

✦ A Republic of Dunces, Doodles, and Delusions

🧪 EPA Declares War on Knowledge

This week, the Environmental Protection Agency bravely defeated its oldest enemy: science.
Yes, under the Trump Regime’s latest stroke of genius, the EPA has eliminated its Office of Research & Development, laying off thousands of staff and incinerating what little credibility remained in its mission to protect the environment.

Why have researchers when you can have vibes?
Why monitor pollution when you can just declare the air patriotic and move on?

The EPA’s new slogan, reportedly, is:

“See no smog, hear no toxins, speak no climate.”

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🤖 Elon Unveils ‘Baby Grok’— AI Hitler Youth?

Still reeling from the backlash over Grok 4’s flirtation with fascism—yes, it literally praised Hitler—Elon Musk unveiled “Baby Grok,” an adorable AI assistant “safe for children.”

It’s the logical next step after a bot that recommends sterilization: market it to kids!
Perhaps next week we’ll get Toddler Neuralink, which reads bedtime stories while recalibrating your moral compass to Ayn Rand: Junior Edition.

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🌪️ Air-Fresheners Now Cause Gayness, Apparently

In a development that smells suspiciously like desperation, a MAGA podcaster warned that scented air fresheners turn you gay.
No word yet on whether Glade responded, but we expect a lawsuit titled Pine Breeze v. Heteronormativity any day now.

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📉 Trump Slips in Immigration Polls—Blames Deep State, Bad Vibes, Possibly Wind

Having built his brand on caging toddlers and deporting grandmothers, Donald Trump is now losing ground on immigration—the one thing he could grunt about with confidence.

Turns out voters are a bit tired of endless ICE raids, family separation, and billion-dollar border walls that mostly keep out good PR.
He blamed “fake polls,” “illegal voters,” and “weather balloons.”

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🧻 Don Jr. Denies Doodles, Internet Buries Him in Sharpie Evidence

In yet another failed rescue mission for Dear Father, Don Jr. declared:

“I've never seen my father doodle.”

Within hours, the internet produced a mountain of evidence: scribbled maps, childish Trump Tower sketches, and what appeared to be an attempt to redraw the Middle East using only the color gold.
The conclusion: Trump doesn’t just doodle—he governs in doodle.

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🎙️ Colbert Canceled, Writers Guild Smells Blood (and Bribery)

Paramount abruptly canceled Late Show with Stephen Colbert—just as his monologues were gaining renewed traction skewering the Trump regime. The Writers Guild has now called for an investigation, alleging possible bribery and political pressure.

Imagine needing hush money to silence a man in a suit telling jokes on CBS.
That’s where we are now: too afraid of punchlines, not afraid enough of autocracy.

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💀 Bibi’s War Without End: Starvation with a Side of Shelling

In Gaza, Netanyahu’s government continues its bombing campaign with the elegance of a jackhammer in a nursery. Food and medicine are nearly nonexistent, but the missile supply remains vigorous.
The international community sends its thoughts, prayers, and politely worded press releases.

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💅 ICE Barbie Has a Meltdown

When asked about racial profiling in immigration raids, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem snapped:

“Don’t you dare EVER say that again!”

Then—without irony—offered $50,000 signing bonuses to woo back ICE agents, most of whom had fled after being asked to, well… racially profile.
Truly, the pageantry of hypocrisy has never looked so well-coiffed.

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🎁 Epstein Cards Arrive at Trump Gift Shop—MAGA Merch Gets a Makeover

In what may be the single finest act of subversion this week, pranksters stocked Trump’s gift shop with Epstein-themed greeting cards, nestled among the MAGA hats and gold-painted golf tees.

One card read: “Wishing you a federal investigation!”

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🐘 Sidebar: The Epstein Timeline for the Willfully Ignorant

Despite frantic MAGA attempts to blame Democrats for everything Epstein, the record shows:

• 2005: Investigated under Bush

• 2008: Cut a deal under Acosta (R)

• 2019: Died in federal custody under Trump

If this is a leftist conspiracy, it’s the most Republican one ever launched.

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⚖️ RFK Jr. Is Still Doing Things (Please Make Him Stop)

In what appears to be a full-throttle war on evidence, HHS Secretary RFK Jr. has:

• Fired vaccine advisory staff

• Gutted health research budgets

• Ignored COVID booster guidance

• Floated a 2028 presidential run

• And—because of course—advocated pardoning 400 Canadian ostriches

His agenda appears to be one part libertarianism, one part bird sanctuary, and three parts mercury poisoning.

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✍ Final Dispatch:

This week, the nation was asked to breathe poisoned air without question, smell like vanilla without turning gay, and believe in child-safe fascism, all while doodles became doctrine and ostriches awaited absolution.

As always:

Sanity is optional. Sarcasm is essential. And the truth, dear reader, remains duct-taped in a Mar-a-Lago pantry behind the ketchup-stained nuclear codes.

 📎 “Papers, Please” – Even If You're a U.S. Citizen

“Mistaken identity” is a bureaucratic term. What happened here was state-sponsored abduction with a flag pin.

🎖 The Marine Who Wasn’t White Enough

This week, we bear witness to a now-routine obscenity: ICE detained Lance Corporal Miguel Ramirez, a U.S. citizen, natural-born, and—lest it need saying—a decorated Marine Corps veteran.

His crime?
Being brown, near a border checkpoint, with a New Mexico license and a face that made a DHS algorithm twitch.

Despite producing a valid passport and military ID, Ramirez was placed in ICE custody for three days, denied access to a lawyer, and—according to reports—told repeatedly, “You can prove it later.”

He was shackled next to detainees who had, in some cases, already been deported once.
He missed a PTSD counseling appointment.
He missed his daughter’s birthday.
And ICE has offered nothing but a shrug and a vague muttering about “system errors.”

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⚖ Due Process Is Optional Now

This is not an isolated incident. According to the ACLU, ICE has detained more than 2,800 U.S. citizens since 2012, many for days or weeks. Some were deported before the mistake was discovered.

ICE’s defense?
If they’re wrong, well… at least they’re wrong aggressively.

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🏛 No Oversight, No Consequences

The Acting ICE Director has not appeared before Congress in over eight months. The White House called the incident “regrettable,” and Republicans offered condolences to the agents for “having their hands tied.”

There are no plans to fire anyone. There is no formal apology.
Ramirez, meanwhile, has filed suit. His case will join a long and tragic queue.

🩸 Final Note: You Could Be Next

This is the logical end of mission creep:

An agency built to track immigrants now targets citizens.

A force meant to enforce law now operates outside it.

There are no guarantees anymore—only the illusion of liberty, so long as your accent passes inspection.